affection
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Affection

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This is a story of a girl.

The noise from the small morning family restaurant on the opposite street side joining with the roar of motorbikes riding on this tiny village’s road wakes her up.

She grabs her phone and thinks: ‘It’s today’.

She’s not a morning person. As getting out of her warmest bed of the world, she feels the winter cold wind running through her thin pajamas. She shivers then walks fast into the bathroom.

After all the morning hygiene to-dos, she turns on the music and slowly thinks about the songs she wants to play.

Then KT Tunstall and Whitney songs are on.

In this lonely room where she lives all by herself, nothing bothers her, even the loneliness itself. Staring out the window, she seeks a little bit of sunshine but then realizes there’s nothing brighter than the gray sky and the gray building but the color of the blooming roses with green jasmine leaves on the balcony right next to her window.

She looks at the phone again and suddenly the 14th December on the screen drags her back to somewhere far far away back in her mind.

The girl was sitting by her desk and excitedly looking at the “Good Luck” card she just bought.

‘What should I give him? And in what way I shall give it to him without dying of embarrassment?’

It’s nearly 2 months before his birthday. And the girl just wanted to give him something that would make him happy and motivate him to get through the university entrance exam.

She didn’t think about a specific present yet, but she got too excited and bought a Good Luck card first. It’s a green card with a cute sketched cat saying ‘Good luck to you’. Why a cat? Because to her, he’s a black cat – a mysterious and seems-to-never-be-hers creature. All she could do from the moment she realized she fell in love with him was watching him from her silent corner.

That was all she could do because she knew if she ever tries to confess to him, it would be a big joke. He already knew she loves him, but what he did, without having to answer her, was a No to her. All she did was loving him, and all he did was avoiding her for as long as he could. Destiny played with her first love in a shameful way. She couldn’t even stop loving him, knowing he doesn’t love her back.

So that’s why she planned to give him his birthday gift without letting him know it was her.

It will be winter when his birthday comes. So, she thought:

‘A handmade wool scarf would be nice’

She started knitting the scarf for him. Day by day, the longer it got, the more excited she was.

Some days before his birthday.

She was on the street, stoned and felt the dark slowly covering her tiny figure. He looked so happy, with someone else.

She stood there and was swallowing her own shamefulness – he already got what would get him through a hard time, didn’t he? What’s the role left for her then? Oh, a bystander.

She got back home and decided to use the scarf for herself. It was all black and white. ‘It’s nice’ – she thought and put a smile on.

Time passed by. And she didn’t love him less even a tiny bit. It’s not what she could choose to do. And destiny played its game again.

She met him on the graduation exam at some school. She played a good role of a long-time-no-see friend to him. And they just greeted like friends. And this time he was alone. She didn’t know what happened, but surprisingly she didn’t have a single thought of telling him her love either. Actually, she was so happy of being to be his friend in that way. She thought that they couldn’t meet face to face again.

And she passed him by, with the best smile she could ever have. She was just happy enough loving him in this way.

He was the one who colored her black and white world.

He was the one who lifted her through the hardest time of her life.

He was the one who taught her all the high and low rhythm of love.

He walked her through the best time of her life.

He was, and is, her lifetime affection.

….

She smiles sipping the tea. Even after she fell in love with someone else, she still has him in the deepest part of her heart. He is something that can both warm her heart on a long winter night and freeze her feelings to against the primitive loneliness in her.

To this very moment, he is not the love of her life anymore. But something different that is as much important as her love.

He is everything, everywhere. The rain on a summer day. The cold wind of winter. The gentle shining ray of sunlight in autumn. The memory of spring calling her to the places. The ‘ideal you’ she still meets in her dreams. And the blushing cheeks with an embarrassing look of one girl from the past.

He could be anything that makes her smile thinking about him.

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A digital marketer, blogger, freelancer, astrology fan, mommy of a lovely elephant and helpless Japan-lover. Or just call me Vivian. Hope you have a good time up above the cloud with me.

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