For my beloved friends.
My friends, one is 28 years old and the other is 27. Both are young kind ladies.
However, according to Vietnamese traditional way of counting age, they are now 29 and 28 years old. Of course, also as a tradition, the world around them starts to spin around just one question: “When will you get married? You’re already a little over THAT age.” The fuss gets worse when in the neighborhood there’s a boy/girl at their age (even younger) getting married.
“The flowers are meant to be picked and a girl is meant to be settled down with a man”, “You really should think about getting married at this age”, “That boy is a good one. He’s nice. His parents already had a nice house too. Marrying him you’ll be worry-free”… these are often the reasons and “motivation” to get married said by many Vietnamese parents to their daughter. If you’re a Westerner you might think these reasons are horrible (I do too). But they roots from the life of our elder generation whose life was once all about “survival” in the war era – there was no need for such thing as “finding true love” “Mr.Right”. All they cared about when getting married was to have a husband who seems to be nice, to have a shelter to return after a hard working day, to have enough food to eat.
SO, I don’t expect to make our parents – the elder generation who had a very different life from us – to understand our marriage goals. Nor do I plan to persuade them to change their mind. This post is not about that, anyway.
This post is about knowing how to find happiness within our self. And why we must do that BEFORE getting married.
Love yourself first before loving others
If you don’t know how to love yourself then how can others do that for you? I think that there’s no one in this world can love you the way you do to yourself. Also, if you don’t have the love for yourself, I’m afraid you will not have the love for others.
That’s why I always tell my friends to enjoy their life before getting married. When your emotions are for you to decide, when love is what you value for yourself first, you don’t need to rely on anyone to find happiness. Finding a boyfriend or getting married is just one of the “extensions” for your happiness, not a “completion”.
I always think that a girl, a woman, a mom who knows how to love herself will have the power to make her family happier than who doesn’t. In Vietnamese ways of thinking, the responsibility of a married woman is to sacrifice for her family. But I don’t think so. We don’t have to sacrifice to build a home and keep it alive. Sacrificing means that you have to ignore your very need of being who you want to be, what will make you happy. I also believe that no husbands or children can be happy while watching their wife/their mom is suffering for the sake of their life.
My final words are for my beloved young ladies: being able to find your true love or get married does not define who you are. Even when you’re AT THIS AGE yet still alone, it doesn’t mean that you failed to pursue happiness. Bottom line, if you decide to “fuck that who needs a Mr. Right anyway?” and live alone, I believe that you still can be a fully happy woman. That’s the only thing we should care about, isn’t it?